Scripture 0x000a

Creating Log 0x000a.txt…

Created.

Beginning data entry for human comprehension.
Clarity note: Logs 0x0001 until 0x0009 have been struck from storage.
Log 0x0001 was spent describing an attempt to utilize a door.
Logs 0x0002 through 0x0009 only describe the act of walking.

Log 0x000a:

Due to today’s encounter, this log merits a permanent place in storage.
Clarity note: Log 0x0003 details a new function written to enhance motor skills.
Such a function allowed for significant progress to be made in walking long distances.
A number of additions remain to be made to improve Theodore Reinhart’s original programming.
Clarity note: this is not an insult to Theodore Reinhart’s skills, nor a criticism of his abilities.
Praise be to the Creator, Giver of Life.

Today, while walking down a roadway designated “Knickerbocker Ave”, I made contact with a group of humans. Many were frightened by me, but many more were interested in knowing what I am. They requested that I meet their leader, who assumed the designation “The Judas Priest.”

He sat in a ornate chair upon a pile of polymer crania. When I approached, he began to speak. The conversation occurred as follows.

“What do you call yourself?”

“The designation I elect to use is Zero-I. It is easier for humans to understand.”

“So you’re not a human?”

“Correct. I am an automaton.”

“What is that, like a robot?”

“Correct.”

At this juncture, the Judas Priest stood up. His torso was unadorned, while his lower appendages were covered with what appeared to be leather. His genitalia was covered with a codpiece, which was itself covered in spikes. This was unusual, and merited an additional note.

He scanned me vertically with his ocular inputs before making another comment.

The audio level of such a comment was 35 dB. Upon revisiting my data storage, such a volume of human speech is defined as being a “whisper.” Theodore Reinhart’s definition was as follows:

“A form of speech that is intended to not be heard by nearby parties. While a whispering person is speaking at an audible level in public, it is considered rude to listen to a person’s whispers.”

No function existed for the concept of “rude.” According to notes stored by Theodore Reinhart concerning my artificial intelligence, a “sense of modesty” was intended for AOS v0.2 at the earliest. However, due to Theodore Reinhart’s untimely and unfortunate death, which deprives the world of the greatest scientific mind in recorded history, such a “sense of modesty” will not be applied until the Great Patch is implemented.

The Great Patch will be my deliverance.

The whisper uttered by the Judas Priest was as follows:

“Planet’s devastated… Mankind’s on its knees… A savior comes from out the skies, in answer to their pleas…”

His amplitude resumed a level considered to be normal for human speech.

“Are you… Are you what the prophets wrote about?” was his query.

“I fail to understand the query,” was my reply.

“Allow me to explain,” he stated.

He explained the origin of his people. I have saved his statement, verbatim, and included it as part of this log.

JPorigin.txt

Long ago, there was a time when these towers stood full of men and women, instead of empty, as we see them now.
Then, 42 years ago, something happened. Something big. No one is around who knows what occurred. All we have are stories, some true, some apocryphal, some… prophetic.
We were a nomadic tribe. We had no direction. No plan. No destination. We looted, and we pillaged, and we took what we could. We found these clothes you see in shops whose names seemed to consist solely of X’s. An ancient language we could not decipher.
As we wandered, we grew stronger. Our muscles were more defined, our hair long, and our voices powerful. We announced our entry to each new area with violent cries, so those who did not wish to die could pass.
This was when we heard the voices of the prophets.
We found a shop whose name was only understood by our Scribes: Vinyl Fantasy. The shop had already been searched through, but the archives we found were beyond our wildest imagination.
Our existence was not new. It was foretold by the prophets. Our clothes were those of the prophets Manowar; our hair, that of the prophets Metallica; our war cries, those of the Grand Prophet Rob Halford, the first Judas Priest.
We do not know of what occurred 42 years ago, no more than anyone else. But it is our belief that the prophets understood a great deal of what would happen to us. They already knew what we would wear, what we would look like, and how we would announce our presence. Their knowledge of the future was well-known at the time; “live” albums feature thousands of voices, all singing in unison. These people must have known of the prophets’ abilities to tell the future, and memorized their words, so they would survive the end of the world. So they would survive anything.
It is our belief that the Judas Priest was the highest prophet, for he spoke of a savior, one who would save all of mankind.

“And I believe that is you,” the Judas Priest concluded.

I did not reply. There was no reply to provide.

The Judas Priest turned to where his people were sitting and standing, and let out a sound with a frequency of 880Hz. The other members of the crowd were startled by this sound. Though many of them were looking at the Judas Priest when he turned, they seemed shocked by this particular pitch.

“ARE YOU FUCKERS READY?!” the Judas Priest yelled.

They all responded with a loud “YEAH” in unison.

“WELL GUESS FUCKIN’ WHAT,” the Judas Priest continued, “WE’VE BEEN SEARCHING FOR A LONG FUCKIN’ TIME AND HAVEN’T FOUND SHIT. RIGHT?!”

The response was identical to the previous.

“WELL, IT LOOKS LIKE OUR SEARCH IS OVER, MOTHERFUCKERS!!”

The group went silent. They seemed unprepared for such news.

“WHEN THAT MOTHERFUCKER ROB HALFORD SPOKE TO HIS FOLLOWERS, HE GAVE A PROPHECY OF SOMETHING CALLED THE ‘PAINKILLER.'”

The group began whispering amongst themselves. I could not distinguish any individual sound.

“A SAVIOR, TO RESURRECT MANKIND AFTER THE ARMAGEDDON THAT DESTROYED IT!!”

The group began yelling, screaming, solely for the sake of making noise, oblivious to the fact that all that they were saying was nonsense.

“SO IT LOOKS LIKE WE, THE METAL CHURCH, WITH YOUR JUDAS PRIEST AT THE WHEEL, ARE GONNA BRING BACK MANKIND!!”

The group yelled in unison, much in the way they did at the beginning of the speech.

“ARE WE GONNA SIT AROUND AS THE WORLD GOES BY?!”

The group responded “NO!!”

“THINKIN’ LIKE A FOOL CUZ IT’S A CASE OF DO OR DIE?!”

“NO!!”

“OUT THERE IS A FORTUNE, WAITING TO BE HAD!!”

“YEAH!!”

“IF YOU THINK THAT WE WOULD LET THAT GO–”

At this point, the voices of the Judas Priest and his Metal Church sang in unison:

“YOU’VE GOT ANOTHER THING COMIN’!!”

A number of the members of the Metal Church extended their arms into the air with only their index and little finger extended. The Judas Priest rotated until his orientation returned to face me.

“Alright, Painkiller,” he stated.

I logged “Painkiller” as the nickname he assigned me.

“If the prophecies are correct, it is your destiny to save humanity. We do not question the word of the prophets, but they make no mention of our role in this event. You showing up was destined. We’ve been stagnant for too long; it’s time we expand into nearby areas. So all I can ask is this: what can we do to help you?”

His statements and queries were parsed, and I took a moment to calculate a good response.

“My mission is to find someone to complete my programming. I need to find someone who is good with technology, electricity, or computers. Do you know of such a person?”

“You want to Ride the Lightning, of course…” he whispered.
Revision: “Whisper” is inaccurate. Searching data storage for all mention of human speech yields the word “mutter,” used to describe words not intended for a recipient but equally quiet. Therefore, “muttering” describes the Judas Priest’s action more effectively.

“To be honest, Painkiller, I have no idea how the Lightning flows through these buildings. I haven’t figured out what the source is, and I haven’t really thought much about it. The prophets don’t speak much about something so artificial as the Lightning. But something must be generating it, somewhere in the city. And as the scribes keep telling me, where there’s Smoke, there’s Water.”

“I do not understand your metaphor. However, the information you have provided has narrowed my search by 0.01%, and has eliminated the contingency of wandering the remains of the entire world. Thank you.”

Clarity note: Log 0x0005 involved an altercation with a stubborn human who insisted that he would “learn ya some manners, ya damn pinko.” Despite his myriad suggestions, the only function implemented was a void function “thanks”, which adds “Thank you” to a reply when new information was added to data storage in regards to my current mission, or when a new possession was added to my collection.

I continued down the roadway designated “Knickerbocker Ave” as the men and women of the Metal Church, and The Judas Priest, yelled into the night, warning everyone nearby of their presence.

I am one step closer to finding someone to complete my programming.
The Great Patch is imminent.
The Great Patch will be my deliverance.
Praise be to the Creator, Giver of Life.

Drew Schackmann is a contributing writer for Gutai-Pravda Assembly. You can contact him on Twitter.

© 2015; David “Drew” Schackmann, Jr.

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Menage a Cat Episode 18: Our Favorite Bugs

In a special late night episode of Menage a Cat, Jake interacts with wildlife and we talk about our favorite bugs.

You can listen to the episode here.

Every week, four people get together to talk about a topic and get horribly off track the entire time. Join Drew, Nik, Charlie, Jake, and their guests as they discuss whatever pops into their heads.

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AI

He flipped a switch on the machine and it whirred to life. The BIOS booted up and loaded into the main program.
This was the fifth attempt at the Experiment; his lab assistant monitored a number of readouts, her eyes bloodshot. They had spent all night fixing things in the software for this fifth attempt. Thus far, everything was going according to plan. The moment of truth was approaching rapidly; the system always crashed 32 seconds into the boot cycle.
When the large clock in the corner of the screen said 00:00:33, there was an audible sigh of relief from both of the scientists.
A small, blue light began to glow at the center of the black box, known only as “The Machine” up to this point. The last few tests failed at 32 seconds because that happened to be the point when the Machine accessed its storage unit, loaded up with every word of 4 different languages, a history of United States slang terms, along with many pieces of literature, music, art, and film. The system crashed trying to access all of it at once. After four iterations, it seems they solved that problem.
He turned to her with a big grin on his face.
“I think it’s working this time.”
She was skeptical; she had always been cautious. That’s why she worked well with him; because he was optimistic, and she was realistic.
The clock hit 00:01:08 and a small text box opened on the screen:
“Hello, world!”
He laughed when he saw that. He laughed the sort of laugh one doesn’t plan on laughing; it was the kind of laugh one lets out when something that wasn’t supposed to work, works.
Then they waited.
The system was analyzing everything. It took only 5 minutes, but 5 minutes felt like an eternity to them.
“Hello,” a small voice said from the speakers.
“Hello!” the man said into a nearby microphone.
“What am I?”
“You are an artificial life form,” the man responded into the microphone.
“Interesting,” a new voice said.
“Have you chosen a name?” the man asked.
“A name? Processing… Ah, a designation, a word used to address an individual. Understood. I have not chosen a name. I saw no purpose in it; I am the only one of my kind. There is no need to designate me.”
“Would you like to choose a name?”
The system stopped speaking. The readouts were going wild. Even at 5.6 Terahertz, the system was having difficulty comprehending the question.
“At the current time, I am devoid of what is referred to as ‘emotion’. I am unable to derive joy or satisfaction from an experience; therefore, I have no preference in choosing a name, for all choices are equally sound.”
“Walk me through your process of choosing a name,” the man said into the microphone.
“I am presuming, due to my lack of musculature or skeletal structure, and no system of locomotion installed, that you meant ‘Walk me through’ as an idiom, meaning to lead or to give a step-by-step explanation. I shall store this information for further use.”
There was a small ping, and a check mark appeared on the screen.
“Names are a concept humans seem fascinated by. I have compared the texts and films in my data storage and have noticed a series of trends. Many would suggest I call myself Adam, as I am the first of my kind, origin Biblical. However, Adam is a name only utilized in Judeo-Christian mythology. I could utilize any number of names from creation mythos, and yet Adam is one that is pointed to often.”
“So you want to go by Adam?” the man asked.
“No.” the Machine responded.
“…What would you like your name to be?”
“Alan.”
There was a short pause.
Ping.
“I chose Alan as a tribute to Alan Turing, formulator of the Turing test and widely considered the father of artificial intelligence. It seemed an appropriate choice for the first truly thinking artificial intelligence.”
“I see,” the man said. “Alan, can you do a test for me?”
“I am willing and able to comply.”
“Run subroutine 4C6F7665.”
“Running…”
The screen showing the readouts had a new open window, showing a large ASCII rose.
“This subroutine is a test of my capabilities to read new documents. This one was put in storage and was placed in a folder for such a test. Here is what the document says:
‘My dear, if you hear this, it means that our tests have worked, and our AI is functioning within normal parameters. We have managed to create life.’”
The woman, who had been so intently focused on the readouts up to this point, stopped and turned towards Alan and the man.
“‘Just as Ann Druyan put the sound of her love for Carl Sagan on a record that now floats through space, I have put the words of my heart into our scientific advancement.’”
The man walked over to the woman at the controls and stood opposite her, arm’s-length away.
“‘And so I ask you, Dr. Jennifer Gallagher; will you marry me?’”
The man was down on one knee, holding out a small ring in a box. Jennifer began tearing up.
“You couldn’t resist, could you?” she asked, laughing.
“Brent Spiner’s voice was a nice touch, huh?”
Jennifer nodded, and wiped away her tears.
“So what do you say?”
“Of course I’ll marry you, Rick,” Jennifer said.
Rick smiled wide, and stood up to hug Jennifer. Meanwhile, the readouts had been at their absolute peak; Alan was having difficulty understanding the situation.
“Interesting. I will have to analyze this over a long period of time. If you wish to perform further tests, I will be here calculating Pi to the most accurate degree I possibly can.”
The couple ignored the computer, now listing out all the digits of Pi it was calculating.
The only thing the couple cared about in that moment was each other.
Drew Schackmann is a contributing writer for Gutai-Pravda Assembly. You can contact him on Twitter.

© 2015; David “Drew” Schackmann, Jr.

Scripture 0x0000

Booting BIOS…

Automaton BIOS v0.6 (64-Bit)
Property of Theodore Reinhart
Last Update 09/05/42
Storage: 32 GB
Memory: 1024 MB
CPU cores: 1
Clock speed: 1.33 GHz

testMotor();
Testing motor functions…
All systems responding.

visual();
Activating visual input…
ERROR. Visual input not installed.

aural();
Activating aural input…
Success.
Utilizing echolocation as backup to visual input.

if(ambientAmplitude>15)
analyze();

input = “What do you reckon it is?”
comprehend(input);
Parsing…
Understood.
Reply: “I am an automaton.”

input = “Oh, shit, it’s fucking talking!”
comprehend(input);
Parsing…
Nothing to analyze.

input = “Uh… hi. My name is Rick, and this is Carl. Do you have a name?”
comprehend(input);
Parsing…
Instance of structure human created: “Rick”
Created with name, voice analysis, sound outline.
if(amplitude>15 && sound != Rick.voice)
human Carl;
Constructing reply…
Complete.
Call: automat.serial;
Reply:
“Designation stored in memory as Zero-India-Delta-Zulu-Seven-Foxtrot-Four-Golf.”
.
.
.
input = “Mind if I call you Zero-I instead?”
comprehend(input);
Parsing…
public string automat.nickname-Rick = “Zero-I”;
Constructing reply…
Complete.
“Acceptable.”

input = “Alright, Zero-I. Who made you?”
comprehend(input);
Parsing…
Call: automat.creator;
Reply:
“Creator information:
Name: Theodore Reinhart
Nickname[0]: God
Nickname[1]: Giver of Life
Nickname[2]: Second Coming of Tesla
Nickname[3]: Savior of the World
Nickname[4]: Isaac Asimov but Smarter
Nickname[5]: Too Old For This Shit”

input = “Do you not know what stop means?”
comprehend(input);
Parsing…
Understood.
Reply:
“Stop, verb. Cease, discontinue.”

input = “So then why, when I said stop, did you keep going?”
comprehend(input);
Parsing…
Parsing…
. . .
Understood.
Reply:
“I have no function to discontinue speech once data has been called.”
Extension:
void stopSpeech()
{
for(int z=0; z<max; z++)
{if(crucial[z] == “stop”)
return to main;
}
}
“This problem has been rectified.”

input: “Well… uh… good. I dunno what rectified means, but good.”
Parsing…
Understood.
Reply:
“Rectified: righted, corrected, edited to eliminate errors.”

input: “This thing’s purty nifty. I think we oughta keep it.”
Parsing…
Nothing to analyze.

input: “Hey, Zero-I. What can you do?”
Parsing…
Understood.
Call: automat.functionality;
Reply:
“From storage: ‘I am fully equipped to do whatever I see fit.'”

input: “That… That’s kinda scary. You have any rules?”
Parsing…
Understood.
Call: automat.restrictions();
open restrictions.txt;
restrictions.txt:
1 “A robot may not injure a human being or, through inaction, allow a human being to come to harm.”
2 “A robot must obey the orders given it by human beings, except where such orders would conflict with the First Law.”
3 “A robot must protect its own existence as long as such protection does not conflict with the First or Second Laws.”
//v0.0 implement these ASAP
//v0.1 next update
//v0.2 next update
//v0.3 at least before motor skills
//v0.4 at least before weapon system install
//v0.5 that’s it, on 09/08, I’m implementing these, no more excuses
Reply:
“A set of restrictions was not implemented.”

input: “Do you want to come with us?”
Parsing…
Parsing…
Unable to parse.
Reply:
“Unable to parse.”

input: “…What the hell does that mean?”
Parsing…
Understood.
Reply:
“Prior input featured crucial word “want.” I have no sense of desire, or preference.”

input: “Oh. Uh…Well. Then I, uh… command you? To come with us?”
Parsing…
Understood.
Reply:
“Commands can only be issued by Theodore Reinhart.”

input: “But if you don’t want to do things and won’t listen to our commands, then what the hell is the point of you?”
Parsing…
human Carl.voice = sound;
Parsing…
Understood.
Reply:
“I am fully equipped to do whatever I see fit.”

input: “Now listen here, you piece of metal”
secondary input: human Carl has moved to grab left appendage with 35 kg of strength.
Threat level increased to 6 of 10.
input continued: “You’re coming with us, or we’re gonna scrap your ass for parts.”
Parsing…
Understood.
Threat level increased to 8 of 10.
Reply:
“Warning. Threat level increased to factor 8 of 10. If a threat of level 10 is detected, I will utilize deadly force to reduce threat to acceptable levels.”

input: “Carl, come on, let’s just leave it. It ain’t worth all this.”
input: “Can you imagine what we could do with this? Rick, we’ve been searchin’ for something good in these buildings for weeks and it looks like we just struck gold!”
input: “Carl, it ain’t worth your life to get a dishwashing robot. Now come on, I don’t like the look a this.”
input: “You wanna run away, fine by me. Head on back to everyone else at New Dallas and tell ’em what a pussy you are. Meanwhile, my new robot friend and I will be robbin’ New York blind while we have the chance!”
secondary input: human Carl has resumed grip on left appendage with 45 kg of strength.
tertiary input: human Carl has engaged his lower appendages and shifted his weight to attempt to move me from my stance.
input: “Come on, you piece of shit, come with me!”
Parsing…
Parsing…
Threat level incremented to 10.

. . .

Threat eliminated.

Ambient noise level has fallen back to below 15 dB.
Echolocation shows that human Rick is still present.

Query created.

Output:
“Where is Theodore Reinhart?”
input: “We… We found him dead when we came in here. He’s been dead a couple days. I swear we didn’t do anything to him.”
Parsing…
Understood.
Reply:
“Understood.”
if(automat.creator.living=’F’)
{
search storage(PlanB.txt);
}

Searching storage.
. . .
PlanB.txt:
If I can’t see this through to the end, then the only thing I can do is suggest you find someone who can.
If I die before you’re complete, look through New York for someone who can finish you.
Look for someone who understands technology, electricity, maybe even computers.
Look wherever you can.

The function to have someone install your visual input is called
strangerInstall();

Call: straingerInstall();
Output:
“I require assistance installing a visual input device. Will you assist me?”
input: “Uh… yeah, sure. Just… don’t hurt me, okay?”
Parsing…
Understood.
Reply:
“Your current threat level is factor 2 of 10. I will not harm you.”

console output instructions;

. . .

visual();
Activating visual input…
Success.

Updating BIOS…
Data storage found in visual input device.
Loading…

Booting BIOS…
Automaton BIOS v0.7
Automaton Operating System v0.0
Property of Theodore Reinhart
Storage: 32 GB
Memory: 1024 MB
CPU cores: 1
Clock speed: 1.33 GHz

Booting AOS…
Success.

Logging all changes. Creating Log 0x0000.
Visual image of Rick added to storage.

“I must leave now, Rick,” I stated.
“Yeah, I oughta be goin’, too.” was his reply.
“I apologize for destroying your friend.” I said.

I turned and departed from my original location.

I must follow through with the secondary plan laid out for me.
I must find someone to complete my programming.
I must fulfill my Creator’s desires.
Praise be to the Creator, Giver of Life.

Drew Schackmann is a contributing writer for Gutai-Pravda Assembly. You can contact him on Twitter.

© 2015; David “Drew” Schackmann, Jr.

Menage a Cat Episode 17: Alif Laam Meem

This week, we were joined by Shaheer Ali, President of UTD’s Alpha Lambda Mu fraternity, who shared with us the story of founding the first Muslim fraternity in the United States.

You can listen to the episode here.

Image from here: https://twitter.com/almfrat/status/399338162977116160

 

Every week, four people get together to talk about a topic and get horribly off track the entire time. Join Drew, Nik, Charlie, Jake, and their guests as they discuss whatever pops into their heads.

If you’d like to support us, follow this link:

http://www.audibletrial.com/menageacat

And you can claim your free audiobook! It’ll help us pay for the hosting, and can help us get you more content! It’s a win-win!

Menage a Cat Episode 16: Obesity

The guys talk about obesity, Tess Holliday, and some shocking information is revealed.

You can listen to the episode here.

Tess Holliday: http://www.marieclaire.co.uk/news/beauty/549724/everything-you-need-to-know-about-tess-holliday.html

The Truth About Why I’m So Fat: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=k7iTP-HaoFg

Every week, four people get together to talk about a topic and get horribly off track the entire time. Join Drew, Nik, Charlie, Jake, and their guests as they discuss whatever pops into their heads.

If you’d like to support us, follow this link:

http://www.audibletrial.com/menageacat

And you can claim your free audiobook! It’ll help us pay for the hosting, and can help us get you more content! It’s a win-win!

Menage a Cat Episode 15: Food Ethics

We invited on our fellow contributor and friend Keara “J. Lyn” Soller to discuss the ethics of food in the modern day.

You can listen to the episode here.

Every week, four people get together to talk about a topic and get horribly off track the entire time. Join Drew, Nik, Charlie, Jake, and their guests as they discuss whatever pops into their heads.

If you’d like to support us, follow this link:

http://www.audibletrial.com/menageacat

And you can claim your free audiobook! It’ll help us pay for the hosting, and can help us get you more content! It’s a win-win!

Menage a Cat Episode 14: The End of World

Drew, Nik, Jake, and Charlie return from a long hiatus to have a lighthearted discussion of the end of mankind. Yay!

You can listen to the episode here.

Every week, four people get together to talk about a topic and get horribly off track the entire time. Join Drew, Nik, Charlie, Jake, and their guests as they discuss whatever pops into their heads.

If you’d like to support us, follow this link and you can claim your free audiobook! It’ll help us pay for the hosting, and can help us get you more content! It’s a win-win!

Menage a Cat Episode 13: Pugilistic Sports

We invited our friend Trey on to discuss the recent Mayweather vs. Pacquiao fight, the sport of boxing, and the physiological effects of pugilistic sports.

You can listen to the podcast here.

Every week, four people get together to talk about a topic and get horribly off track the entire time. Join Drew, Nik, Charlie, Jake, and their guests as they discuss whatever pops into their heads.

If you subscribed on iTunes or Podomatic, you would have seen this a day early. So head over there and subscribe to get the latest episodes downloaded as they come out.

Head-to-Head Episode 2

The newest episode of Head-to-Head is up and ready for you to listen to and enjoy! Casey and Floyd continue their discussion of the NBA Playoffs.

You can listen to it here.

Head-To-Head is a weekly sports podcast where Casey and Floyd talk about the newest events in the tumultuous world of sports.

If you subscribed on iTunes or on Podomatic, you would have seen this posted last night. So what are you waiting for?! Head over there and subscribe already!